Merkel’s North Sea “Alcatraz” for Refugees

hochseeinsel_helgoland

Heligoland – 50km from German mainland

By Berlin, Germany correspondent D. Wolfgang Spitz-Bubel reporting from Frankfurt/Main

Frankfurt-based refugee advocates medico international have received a copy of a top secret analysis by German Chancellor Merkel’s government to incarcerate thousands of “problematic” refugees offshore to a detention camp on the isolated Heligoland Islands in the North Sea.

The total land area of Heligoland is just 1 km², the weather is often unfriendly and the surrounding waters of the North Sea; treacherous.

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Спасибо за отпуск

david_mccallum_as_illya_kuryakinBy New York correspondent Illya Nickovitch Kuryakin

US President Obama recently announced the expulsion of 35 Russian diplomats based on the suspicion that the Russian government may have hacked the US Presidential elections.

The Consternation is in receipt of a joint letter, apparently from the 35 diplomats chosen to be expelled, addressed to the President of the United States. Some content has been redacted on the grounds of national security. Here are some excerpts:

Mr President,

We, “The 35“, wish to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for this opportunity to join family and friends in Russia for our Christmas on January the 7th. Our thoughts will be with you in your final days in office as we enjoy the warmth of friendship, Christ’s blessings and proper Vodka.

Ordinarily, we would have to “hold the fort” as Americans would say, while privileged colleagues return home for just a few days. Our boss is a hard man. But thanks to you, The 35, usually working thanklessly in dark, dirty and damp places, get a proper vacation.

Regrettably, we will not be able to personally help you to move your belongings and whatever’s been bugging you out of the White House on the 20th. But rest assured that staff have been assigned.

It is part of the warmth of friendship to help each other through difficult times. The 35 appreciate your warm gesture of friendship and would be pleased to show you around the premises at Nr 3, should you ever be “in town”.

Just pick up the phone; we’re always listening.

Signed,

The 35

600,000 Migrants “Disappear” in Germany

By Berlin, Germany correspondent D. Wolfgang Spitz-Bubel

German and other European press are starting to report that nearly half the recent migrants registered into Germany have disappeared without a trace. Earlier reports didn’t reveal the extent of the problem. While it’s possible that a few thousand of the more than a million recent migrants could go missing simply due to bureaucratic accidents, the scale of the disappearances suggests that a system has been created to move the migrants on.
Wolfsburg, VW Autowerk, Kraftwerk

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Merkel Puts Refugees into Holiday Rentals

By Berlin, Germany correspondent D. Wolfgang Spitz-Bubel

German Chancelloress Angela Merkel

Angela Merkel – Huffington Post

After inviting all of Syria to come, Germany’s Chancelloress, Angela Merkel has announced an emergency policy for accommodating a possible 2 million Asylum seekers from Syria expected in Germany this year. Syria previously had a population of 22 million.

She has instructed the German Federal Office for Migration and Refugees (Bundesamt für Migration und Flüchtlinge – BAMF) to survey the national pool of holiday apartments and houses (Ferienwohnungen); to immediately reserve any available accommodation. Continue reading

PM Abbott Announces Team Aussie-COP21 for Paris

By Australian correspondents Erica Quarterbee and Jennie Drimmof.

Greg Hunt

Greg Hunt

Australia’s Prime Minister Tony Abbott MP BEc LLB MA has instructed the Minister for the Environment, Greg Hunt MP BA LLB MA to form the best possible team to represent Australia at the IPCC Olympics later this year, culminating in the COP21 Games in Paris.

A total budget allocation of $412,786.24 means that the Minister has had to cut some corners in terms of team numbers, travel and accommodation arrangements. The budget has to stretch to 2 sets of games, the 4-day UN-FCCC ADP preliminaries in Bonn, Germany in mid-October and then the 14-day finals in Paris, France starting at the end of November. Continue reading

German Minister Threatens to Drown Kitten if Data Retention Law is not Passed

by Fürth, Germany correspondent Stefan Sichermann (Der Postillon)
Translated by Vasili Dbrznvkovitz

… or the kitten gets itGerman Vice-chancellor Sigmar Gabriel declared at the recent SPD party Congress that the party must support data retention legislation in parliament or he’ll drown the kitten. That after his threats to resign seemed to fall on deaf ears.

This led to widespread consternation amongst delegates as they didn’t know whether to be charmed or outraged. Gabriel reiterated that all who voted against the legislation in parliament would have Simba on their conscience.

The Minister concluded his speech by saying “I have said time and time again that data retention would save lives and I’ll gladly repeat it: Data retention can save lives.”

Flash: No Federal Budget Allocation for The Consternation

By Canberra, Australia correspondent Erica Quarterbee

Education Minister Christopher Pyne has flagged that the Abbott government will not provide funding for The Consternation in the budget.

“We are deeply disappointed at the total lack of federal budget allocation for this invaluable project” said the publishers and editors in a joint statement on Friday. “We cannot express the depth of our disappointment in the Minister’s decision, especially after the favourable publicity given to his other budgeted changes.  We will try to continue with funding from other sources but will have to divert more of our energies to fund-raising activities such as the Sustainability Regatta in August this year.”

Bishop Clinches Deal on Iranian Returnees

By Ochsbridge, UK correspondent Summer Rose Winslip-Harrow

Australian Foreign Minister Julie Bishop meets Supreme Fashion Leader Ayatollah KhameneiAustralian Foreign Minister Julie Bishop met with Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei to conclude negotiations on the repatriation of Iranians refused refugee status. Iran’s right to develop peaceful nuclear power was acknowledged by the Foreign Minister.

A formal, bi-partisan treaty is to be drawn up with specific details. It is understood that Iran will initially accept and guarantee the safety of 2000 returnees; in return for Iran building a 1.4GWe nuclear power plant with mosque in Whyalla, South Australia.