Merkel’s North Sea “Alcatraz” for Refugees

hochseeinsel_helgoland

Heligoland – 50km from German mainland

By Berlin, Germany correspondent D. Wolfgang Spitz-Bubel reporting from Frankfurt/Main

Frankfurt-based refugee advocates medico international have received a copy of a top secret analysis by German Chancellor Merkel’s government to incarcerate thousands of “problematic” refugees offshore to a detention camp on the isolated Heligoland Islands in the North Sea.

The total land area of Heligoland is just 1 km², the weather is often unfriendly and the surrounding waters of the North Sea; treacherous.

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600,000 Migrants “Disappear” in Germany

By Berlin, Germany correspondent D. Wolfgang Spitz-Bubel

German and other European press are starting to report that nearly half the recent migrants registered into Germany have disappeared without a trace. Earlier reports didn’t reveal the extent of the problem. While it’s possible that a few thousand of the more than a million recent migrants could go missing simply due to bureaucratic accidents, the scale of the disappearances suggests that a system has been created to move the migrants on.
Wolfsburg, VW Autowerk, Kraftwerk

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SCOOP! Volkswagen Group of America Bugs Out

The following appears to be a leaked draft of a speech to be given by the CEO of  the Volkswagen Group of America at a press conference later today (USA time) . Author details will not be provided with this article to protect our sources.

Embargoed until 16:08, 1/8/2016

President and CEO of Volkswagen Group of America, Inc,
Michael Horn

Former CEO Michael Horn

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I speak now to you as the most recent and indeed the last President of Volkswagen Group of America, Inc.

Volkswagen Group has determined that it will be unable to sustain a profitable business in the USA and will have closed and abandoned all of its physical facilities in the nation by the time of this press conference. All factories, warehouses, offices and testing grounds have been abandoned without expectation of compensation. Continue reading

Germany Bans Accidents at Black Spots

by Fürth, Germany correspondent Stefan Sichermann (Der Postillon)
Translated by Vasili Dbrznvkovitz

Unfallverbot

After sitting on their hands for 5 years, the Transport Ministry, under the fresh leadership of Alexander Dobrindt has bitten the bullet and will finally introduce these signs at accident black spots starting this summer.

“Our researchers found”, noted Dobrindt, “that road fatalities have one common factor: An accident. So prohibiting accidents, by means of these signs, will dramatically reduce the carnage on the roads.”

Alas, their financial resources for traffic infrastructure are woefully inadequate so the Minister has decided to first deploy these signs at accident black spots for maximum effect.

The Minister sees that the erection of the signs on all roads will eventually make obsolete other road signs like speed limit, one-way street, no overtaking, and other warning signs about e.g. incomplete bridges; saving a taxpayers a lot of money spent maintaining the vocabulary of road signs deployed in Germany.