By New York correspondent Illya Nickovitch Kuryakin

US President Obama recently announced the expulsion of 35 Russian diplomats based on the suspicion that the Russian government may have hacked the US Presidential elections.

The Consternation is in receipt of a joint letter, apparently from the 35 diplomats chosen to be expelled, addressed to the President of the United States. Some content has been redacted on the grounds of national security. Here are some excerpts:

Mr President,

We, “The 35“, wish to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for this opportunity to join family and friends in Russia for our Christmas on January the 7th. Our thoughts will be with you in your final days in office as we enjoy the warmth of friendship, Christ’s blessings and proper Vodka.

Ordinarily, we would have to “hold the fort” as Americans would say, while privileged colleagues return home for just a few days. Our boss is a hard man. But thanks to you, The 35, usually working thanklessly in dark, dirty and damp places, get a proper vacation.

…

Regrettably, we will not be able to personally help you to move your belongings and whatever’s been bugging you out of the White House on the 20th. But rest assured that staff have been assigned.

…

It is part of the warmth of friendship to help each other through difficult times. The 35 appreciate your warm gesture of friendship and would be pleased to show you around the premises at Nr 3, should you ever be “in town”.

Just pick up the phone; we’re always listening.

Signed,

The 35